Kerry Underwood


with 15 comments

Customers are reminded that if they do not have a ticket to Manchester they cannot travel to Manchester.

Customers are reminded that even if they do have a ticket to Manchester there is an excellent chance that it is not valid on this train and that you will have to pay a £200 surcharge.

Tickets for the Trans-Siberian Railway are not valid on this train.

Virgin trains shut the doors two minutes before the train departs, so in the unlikely event that you have a valid ticket for this train you may miss it and your ticket will not be valid for the next train and you will have to pay a £200 surcharge. London Midland shuts the doors 30 seconds before departure but not many of their trains are there when they are meant to depart.

24 hour security cameras are in operation at this station, as are 24 hour pickpockets in spite of the security cameras. Skateboarding is not allowed at this station. International soccer matches must not be staged at this station.

Armed helicopters are circling this station.

Unattended baggage will be detonated.

Please take all of your personal belongings with you unless they have been blown up as unattended. Impersonal belongings do not need to be taken with you, but will be destroyed if unattended. If you are unsure as to what is a personal belonging as compared with an impersonal belonging our 24 hour helpline of resident philosophers will be able to help. Some of our philosophers also pilot the armed helicopters, so please be patient.

Travelling customers wishing to go to Stockport station stop should have a ticket for Stockport and should alight at the station stop which has a sign up saying S-T-O-C-K-P-O-R-T.

Unaccompanied ostriches are not allowed on this train unless it is Unaccompanied Ostrich Day.

Travellers are reminded that just because they have paid £400 for a first class ticket between two places driveable in 3 hours they are not entitled to respect.

Passengers are not reminded that there is a perfectly good motorway system in this country where you are not dictated to by a bunch of control freaks.

Written by kerryunderwood

October 18, 2013 at 11:50 am

Posted in Uncategorized

15 Responses

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  1. I like it when they say “sorry for the late running of this service; we apologize for any inconvenience this MAY have caused”

    Just take it for read, babe


    October 18, 2013 at 12:07 pm

  2. Stockport is a great place. why have a pop at it. its not Stockports fault its the last stop before Manchester. Stockport does not have that much going for it and it needs all the help it can. I know, i’ve lived there for 47 years.

    Gavin Redman

    October 18, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    • Mmm – it was a pop at the railway companies, not Stockport or anywhere else…….


      November 5, 2013 at 11:05 am

  3. Start a CLAIM!!!

    Adrian Berkeley

    October 18, 2013 at 12:19 pm

  4. Hi Kerry. Sorry to be a complete bore but quite often, I travel to London from Runcorn on Virgin and I find it is an excellent service. Admittedly I head for the quiet zone which unfortunately, applies to the passengers, not the tannoy.But overall, not a bad service in terms of the amount of nagging and bureaucracy that you endure during the journey.However I take your point. The service from Southport to Manchester is SO poor that any amount of bureaucracy might be tolerated if only you were sat in a heated carriage. Sorry did I say sat? ever the optimist. Anyway, some of the ridiculousness ( if that is a word) stems from a claim or threatened claim against the provider and that is the society we live in.All risk assessments and blame.Anyway, must get on as more letters before action to issue…….Sarah Lapsley ( Cook and Talbot incorporating Chestnutts:Solicitors Southport)

    Sarah Lapsley

    October 18, 2013 at 12:41 pm

  5. Class!

    David White

    October 18, 2013 at 12:45 pm

  6. Brought a smile to my face! Thanks Kerry


    October 18, 2013 at 1:15 pm

  7. Brilliant and hilarious.

    Beverley Watkins

    October 18, 2013 at 1:18 pm

  8. Does anyone remember the legendary train driver on trains heading north who used to entertain the punters with a very educated commentary on the historical significance of everywhere they passed by ? “Ladies and Gentleman if you care to look to the right you will notice that we are now passing Bosworth Field where as you may know………..”. It was absolutely spell binding stuff. 🙂

    Simon Wallis

    December 21, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    • Haha! Wonder how many passengers now would have a clue what he was talking about……….


      December 22, 2013 at 10:24 am

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