A TRAIN JOURNEY
Customers are reminded that if they do not have a ticket to Manchester they cannot travel to Manchester.
Customers are reminded that even if they do have a ticket to Manchester there is an excellent chance that it is not valid on this train and that you will have to pay a £200 surcharge.
Tickets for the Trans-Siberian Railway are not valid on this train.
Virgin trains shut the doors two minutes before the train departs, so in the unlikely event that you have a valid ticket for this train you may miss it and your ticket will not be valid for the next train and you will have to pay a £200 surcharge. London Midland shuts the doors 30 seconds before departure but not many of their trains are there when they are meant to depart.
24 hour security cameras are in operation at this station, as are 24 hour pickpockets in spite of the security cameras. Skateboarding is not allowed at this station. International soccer matches must not be staged at this station.
Armed helicopters are circling this station.
Unattended baggage will be detonated.
Please take all of your personal belongings with you unless they have been blown up as unattended. Impersonal belongings do not need to be taken with you, but will be destroyed if unattended. If you are unsure as to what is a personal belonging as compared with an impersonal belonging our 24 hour helpline of resident philosophers will be able to help. Some of our philosophers also pilot the armed helicopters, so please be patient.
Travelling customers wishing to go to Stockport station stop should have a ticket for Stockport and should alight at the station stop which has a sign up saying S-T-O-C-K-P-O-R-T.
Unaccompanied ostriches are not allowed on this train unless it is Unaccompanied Ostrich Day.
Travellers are reminded that just because they have paid £400 for a first class ticket between two places driveable in 3 hours they are not entitled to respect.
Passengers are not reminded that there is a perfectly good motorway system in this country where you are not dictated to by a bunch of control freaks.