“Let’s get one thing straight” says Tommy Tozzer, “‘Poor Law’ is not about helping poor people; it is about doing law badly. We wanted to call our ABS “Crap Legal Services” but apparently there is already an ABS with a similar name.”
“We want to be the worst, but there is a lot of competition. In the old days you could mark yourself out as really bad by treating clients as conshooomers, never seeing them and just buying and selling them like commodities, but now everyone has cottoned on to that.”
Tozzer, 52, who has been involved with many innovative business schemes, said that Poor Law planned to open 1,000 stores with 100,000 TV adverts a day and 10,000 cases and 1,000,000 staff by the end of next month.
“I might not have got all of that right. It is some combination of those round figures. It doesn’t really matter. The legal press will print it all.”
When Not Lawyers Weekly pointed out that his was the 853rd company in the last 4 weeks to announce its intention to open 10,000,000 law stores this year Tozzer pointed out that, unlike them, he had experience of failing at lots of law related businesses.
“I was at Worsewill and Shidocs and The Accident Waiting to Happen Group. I know more than anyone about screwing up the legal system.”
Outside the legal sector Tozzer was involved in an Alternative Dentist Structure where people could upload their own teeth for treatment. However a software mix-up with Onlinebirthing.com, another Tozzer company, resulted in several men with abscesses giving birth and several women in labour having dentures inserted inappropriately.
Tozzer pledged to lose even more money than Co-Op Legal Services and hoped to win awards and be appointed to the government’s Law Council.
“The great thing about being rubbish is that there is no limit to your losses. Even the best business can only make £1 for every £1 turnover. We can lose far more than that!”
A spokesman for the Lord Justice Department of Constitutional Chancellors and Affairs Ministers, along with every wannabee lawyer academic, welcomed the move:
“Anything that challenges the system of trained, qualified, insured, disciplined, dedicated professionals is to be welcomed. We have got rid of all professionals in government and now wish to do the same to law, medicine, teaching, the police and the army.”
Tommy Tozzer had the last word.
“As the late unlamented Bridgitte Demented said, “There is no reason why buying a tin of baked beans should not be as simple as a Judicial Review application” or something like that.”
Not Lawyers Weekly left Tozzer as he was on his way to pick up an award for thinking about opening a billion branches in three days.