Kerry Underwood

RETIRING EARLY

with 3 comments


Droning On dropped in at The Bus Pass Arms and caught up with Reg Geranium, 49, early retired assistant manager of the Electricity Pylons Aesthetics Council.

 Reg described a typical day:

 “I get up early to use the night time cheap electricity.  Sometimes I will catch the 5.53am bus to nowhere, as it is free.  I retired early and so I have not got my bus pass yet – that is something that I am counting the days to – 3,846 to be precise.

Normally I put the clocks back a couple of hours; it makes the afternoon pass more quickly when I put them forward again”. 

Reg drives a Fiat Nono and at a steady 18 mph gets 92 miles to the gallon. “People are very friendly – always honking and waving their arms when I tootle along the middle lane of the motorway.  Sometimes I just sit in it without going anywhere.  That is very economical and you get free radio – no electricity is consumed”. 

Reg helps out at the local cricket club where he finishes off any tea left by the players.  He does this at several clubs. 

He also takes advantage of his local barber’s two haircuts for the price of one”.  (Terms and conditions apply: both haircuts must be had by the same person at the same time). 

Lottery winner Reg also has good relations with his local branch of Waitrose. 

“It all started when the manager was called to meet me over the interpretation of their “Free newspaper if you spend £5” promotion.  The cashier said that I had to spend £5 to get the free paper, but I said that the £5 should include the cost of the paper! 

The manager agreed with me, so on Saturday I spend £2.30 and get the Guardian, at £2.70, free.  I don’t really like the Guardian but as it is the dearest paper, that is the best value for money.  On other days I get the Mail, and with their “Collect five swastikas and get Saturday’s paper free” promotion I get that on Saturday as well”. 

I left Reg eating his two for the price of one mashed potato lunch at The Bus Pass Arms while studying the Droning On’s monochrome supplement “101 things to do with your Winter Fuel Allowance”. 

Next week we drop in on Deirdre Daffodil, retired Wallpaper Ethics and Integration Adviser, who tells us how to make making a cup of instant coffee last all day, and gives us tips on knitting your own teabags; plus a guide to where you can have a half-price pub lunch with similarly interesting people, and our list of the 50 warmest libraries.

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Written by kerryunderwood

November 19, 2013 at 11:32 am

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Responses

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  1. There is a clear error in this otherwise wholly factual and serious piece.

    At last count there are not 50 libraries in the Country so a list of 50 warmest cannot possibly exist.

    Paul Kay

    November 19, 2013 at 11:37 am

    • Sir,
      I must take issue with you. Droning On includes libraries in Western Europe which are easily accessible to retirees making use of their free bus pass; Calais, for example, has a particularly warm library and can be reached in 7 days 15 hours 23 minutes by bus from Eastbourne.
      Thomas Tedium
      Editor, Droning On.

      kerryunderwood

      November 19, 2013 at 11:47 am

  2. Wouldn’t catching a bus at 5.53 make Reg a “twirly”?

    Julie Carlisle

    November 19, 2013 at 3:26 pm


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