Kerry Underwood


with 6 comments


Another Dick Chilblain exclusive!

An innovative Alternative Tooth Structure plans to dominate the market and open 2953 shops in 34.7 days by having dentists work on conshoomers teeth whilst upside down. The business has an IOU for the standard 12 million required to dominate any market, although these appear to be Colombian pesos worth £3,120 arising from the import of cocaine for the new business.

Nigel Neutron, 94, nuclear weapons tester (retired) explained:-

“I’ve got my pension but no teeth left and that got me thinking about what would get me to pay for a dentist now that I have not got any teeth. It would have to be something new and different and exciting!”

Nigel discussed the benefits:-

“The dominant dentist compliant patient role is reversed. No one can respect an upside down dentist, so the fear is removed. The idea of a trained and qualified dentist standing over a patient is frankly very 20th century.”

Due to the demands of hanging upside down the work will in fact be performed by monkeys.

“Children love it” explained Neutron – “instead of being told that they are going to the dentist their parents, if I can use such an old fashioned term, tell them that “the monkey is going to play with you.”

Unfortunately Oswald the Orangutang did just that and is now on the Primate Sex Offenders Register, “but that’s happened with non-upside down dentists as well” says Neutron.

Asked if he had any plans to take the idea to other professions, such as the law, Neutron was dismissive:-

“That is stupid. Law needs intelligent, learned people; it is not a physical thing like dentistry. No, I can never see the day when law could be practised by non-lawyers filling in as lawyers. That is a bridge too far.”

NEXT WEEK: How to start your own heart transplant business.


Written by kerryunderwood

February 11, 2015 at 11:46 am

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Starting your own Heart Transplant business is all well and good, but how does that help me? You see I have eaten a tad too much and enjoyed a few splashes of Rioja above the relevant quota. I think a new heart would do nicely.

    But I probably can’t afford to pay for a surgeon and an anaesthetist. I was rather hoping to become a Consultant-in-Person (aka a “self-operated patient”). Any tips on that?

    Dominic Cooper

    February 11, 2015 at 2:36 pm

  2. Dominic

    The correct name now is a Patient in Person. You will be able to use the hospitals and clog them up so that everyone has to wait much longer for their surgery. There will be a Hospital Admission Fee and that is about to be increased by 600%.

    However Hearts R Us, a spin-off from a Valentine’s Day flower business, is now operating a no heart no fee deal, which I think might suit you. The key things that you should know are that it will be a florist’s assistant performing the surgery and that some of the hearts transplanted are not too fresh, to put it mildly.

    Under their Heart to Heart scheme you qualify for a discount if you agree that after 10 years service they can have the heart back unless you pay an additional fee.

    Obviously this all used to be done by highly skilled professionals but I am sure you realise that it is much better that companies and their bosses can avoid paying taxes even if that means you have to perform your own heart surgery. What is the point of having a happy, healthy, well- educated secure and safe population if Amazon and Starbucks have to pay tax and put their prices up?


    PS: Think this might become a separate blog!


    February 11, 2015 at 2:49 pm

  3. Great post …..could be funny if it wasn’t actually true !


    February 11, 2015 at 3:07 pm

  4. Yes, this is a problem. Even my most extreme satire is likely to be in a Government White paper the following week……………………


    February 11, 2015 at 3:15 pm

  5. I prefer the G4S model. You contract to provide a service to a certain number of young people at a specified standard. Your staff for whom you are vicariously responsible (and described by you as “junior” even though their job description includes the word “manager”) egregiously and materially breach any reasonable conditions so no more young people are sent you because it isn’t safe to do it. You are still paid as if you had them because your contract is to be paid for having the facility to accept them. Brilliant business model – all the income and none of the overheads because your zero hours staff can stay at home.

    Neil Howlett

    January 25, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    • Yes- just need to make that work for the law. Problem is we have a market and 10,000 competitors. Hope this new enquiry will say that this is unfair and allow us to fix prices and have no standards- that seems to be the preferred government model.



      January 26, 2016 at 10:55 am

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